Love is about peace, not pain
by MeridaPevensie
Summary: Something a certain zombie wife said to Dean, makes him take a closer look at how he's treated his relationship with Cas. Spoilers for season 5 and episode 5x15 especially.


**Disclaimer: Supernatural is owned by the CW and Eric Krikpe. I'm not making any money off this work, which explains why I can't pay my tuition this semester.**

**Spoilers: All of season 5 is fair game, including 5x15 'Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid'**

_I'm his wife; my job is to bring him peace, not pain. _

It was ridiculous to be contemplating the words of a zombie woman, even one that baked pie as wonderful as Bobby's wife did. However, Dean couldn't help but think about what she had said about bringing those you love peace and not pain. He had loved Cas for a long time, though he hadn't been able to really admit it to himself until long after Cas had rebelled against heaven, long after his abortive attempt to get Cas laid. It hadn't even really clicked with him until shortly after they realized that the Trickster was actually Gabriel taking an unauthorized vacation from his douche-bag family. It wasn't until after Jo and Ellen had died that he had found himself drunk in a room at some notel-motel having an extremely chick flick moment with Cas and finally the whole truth came out. He had been terrified that Cas would reject him and leave. Of course he would stick around to finish this whole Apocalypse thing, but Dean didn't think he could survive if he lost the close bond that had been forged between himself and Castiel at this poin

Instead of rejecting him, Cas had merely blinked owlishly at Dean as he usually did when he was contemplating how silly Dean and humans in general were.

"I am in love with you too, Dean," Cas had said, his gravelly voice sounding serious with a tinge of amusement at having to explain something so obvious to Dean.

"Excuse me!?" Dean had spluttered, blinking his eyes rapidly and suddenly wishing he hadn't gotten quite so drunk, because surely what Cas had just said was a result of one to many shots of whiskey. He was also absurdly glad that Sam was a big enough girl to want his own room tonight, probably not wanting Dean to see him cry.

"I would have thought it was obvious" Cas patted Dean's arm in, what Dean thought was, a rather patronizing way. He shrugged the arm off.

"No, it really wasn't Cas."

"I gave up Heaven for you."

"You gave up Heaven to stop the Apocalypse and save mankind." Dean was sure that was what happened.

"No, I did it for you. I told you I did it for you."

"You did?" Dean let his mind wander back through the past months, finally coming to rest on a scene in Bobby's hospital room, just after the Apocalypse had begun.

_I killed two angels this week, those were my brothers. I'm hunted, I've rebelled and I did it, all of it, for you._

The words had hurt at the time, but looking back he could clearly recall that, yes, Castiel had certainly said he had done everything for Dean.

"So you're really in love with me?" Dean was still drunk after all and his brain was not exactly functioning at top capacity.

"I had assumed you were aware of this fact."

"Generally when you love someone you tell them. Humans are a little dense Cas."

"I'm beginning to realize this."

"So you're okay with me being in love with you?" Dean was still trying to get his head around this complete change in his luck.

"Of course."

"So you'd be okay with me kissing you?"

"Yes, Dean. I would be okay with you kissing me." Dean wasted no time after that.

Sam was still unaware of the change in status between him and Castiel. Dean wasn't worried about his reaction, his brother wasn't really bothered by much when it came to a person's sexuality. Dean just wanted to have something for himself during these crazy end times. He was selfishly glad that he had his own angel, who was willing to fall from Heaven and leave his family behind for him, but he couldn't help feeling guilty when he saw the wistful expression on Castiel's face when they discussed heaven or the other angels. Anna had been the only part of his family that he had stayed in contact with and even she was gone now. Cas was totally alone in the world and it was all Dean's fault, Cas would have never rebelled if it wasn't for his misguided love for Dean.

These thoughts circled Dean's head as he sat on a rusted out car in Bobby's yard. Sammy had coaxed Bobby into the house to discuss some moldy text, hoping that the normalcy of that would help some. The last thing they needed was one of their few allies, and the last of their family, to lose his will to fight. Dean had come out here to be alone and think about the words that Bobby's wife had spoken to him and Sam in the kitchen.

The rustle of wings alerted him to the fact that he was no longer alone in the maze of junked cars. The arm that brushed up against his told him that Cas still hadn't learned about personal space, but the difference was that Dean no longer minded that fact. He draped an arm carelessly over the shoulders of the slightly shorter angel. Without looking at him, Dean began talking.

"Where were you for the zombies?"

"There were zombies?"

"Yeah, 15, maybe 20 of them; coulda used your help."

"You didn't call. I was unaware there were zombies in Bobby's town." Cas seemed unfazed by the news regardless.

"Yeah, Death paid a visit apparently. Where were you?"

"Mexico, I am still searching for my Father."

"Did you look on the tortillas like I told you too?" Dean couldn't help poking fun, just to see how Cas would react. Sometimes he realized Dean was joking, other times he was a little too literal; like that time Dean had told Cas "bite me" after Cas scolded him for something or other. Cas still didn't understand idioms apparently, not that Dean was complaining mind you.

"I have already told you Dean, my Father would not be on a flat bread." Dean groaned, literal Cas struck again…or not, he realized that Cas' shoulders were shaking slightly with repressed laughter. Silenced settled over them comfortably, but slowly Dean's thoughts returned to their previous track.

"What are you thinking about, Dean?" Dean didn't answer for a moment and Cas extricated himself from Dean's arm and moved to stand in front of him, effectively pinning him against the junked car he was leaning against. "What are you thinking about?" he said more forcefully. Dean sighed and collapsed back onto the hood of the car.

"You know, I'm not all that good with words Cas, but I've told you before that I…well, I love you."

"That's not news to me Dean" Cas interrupted.

"Shut up and let me talk." Dean said and Cas looked abashed and kept quiet. "I just think that I've really screwed everything up for you and that doesn't much seem like love to me. Everything you've ever loved has been taken away from you, because of me and that's not what I wanted for you. I'm glad you're here with me, I don't think you'll ever know how glad, but things will never be the same for you. I know you miss Heaven and that kills me inside. When you love someone, you're supposed to make them happy, give them peace. All I've done is cause you pain." There was silence for a moment as Dean finished speaking and Cas processed Dean's words. Suddenly Cas leaned down and placed his hands on either side of Dean's body on the hood of the rusted Mustang.

"Humans are idiots" Cas said.

"Yeah, I think we've established that before. What does that have to do with-" Dean was cut off.

"Shut up and let me talk." Cas mimicked Dean's tone. "Yes, I do miss Heaven. It was my home, my family is there and I will probably always miss my place there, but never imagine that I've left everything I love behind. I love you, Dean Winchester and you are worth every ounce of loss and pain I feel from leaving my home behind. I don't care how long it takes, but one day I will make you believe that you enough for me and you give me peace every day that you continue to exist." Before Dean could vocalize the protest that was on the tip of his tongue, something along the lines of 'I'm not worth it' Castiel leaned down and covered Dean's lips with his own, kissing him into a pleasant state of oblivion where thoughts of pain and unworthiness were nothing more than distant memories.


End file.
